fight club

without realizing it, this is going to be my 75th entry since i started this blog more than a year ago (24 july 2004)... from the time when blogging was relatively unknown till now, the time when blogs attract spammers... =)

anyway, i've always contemplated on the essence of my writings... sometimes thinking it will bore the hell out of others, at times thinking that i sound like a kid who just wants his candy bar... but when i think about why i started this blog, all that doesn't matter... this blog is for myself and for those friends close to me... this is me, so if i do happen to bore you, well, i ain't holding a knife at your throat am i? =P

anyway, for this entry, i would just like to express a longing desire that i have always kept to myself... from when i was a kid, i've always wanted to fight... fist fight, street fighter style you know? no rules with bare hands...

sure i've been in fights before, but they're always so minor and it is usually broken up before any blood got spilled... i've never really been in a fight where i got bruised and bloodied before... and you know what? i want to get into a fight not to beat someone up, i want to be on the other end of the beating... the pain, the blood... something exhilarating bout that which i can't explain...

so there it is, my 75th entry... so much for all the talk bout the fight but i've gotta cut this entry short to return to my books...

ps: just because i have this desire for violence and pain and blood, it will NOT turn me into a serial killer or some thug...

simply fascinating...

my fascination for railway tracks and everything train continues... ain't it a perfect sight?

surreal pic...

a picture taken earlier this year (feb 2005) somewhere behind my grandma's house in penang. lovely view isn't it? so surreal, it doesn't feel like the world as we know it today... especially if we've been stuck in the heart of the city for the past 22 years...

feeling like crap...

it's the end of my one week semester break now and i feel like hell... i dunno what is it with me this time... i usually look forward to going back to uni, you know? something for me to do, something to fill my time with... but now... damn, i dun wanna continue studying...

at the start of my holidays, i've planned out tons of things to do... i figured this one week break would be perfect for me to catch up with my studies and do some stuff which i've put off for a long time... however, day after day went by and now the holiday is over, i've done nothing!

this morning, i woke up feeling terrible. i really wish i still have some time to burn so that i could just close my eyes and sleep again... but i couldn't... there's tons for me to do and no time to do it all...

maybe i'm just too bored/ tired with all the studying...

clear blue skies...

after days of enduring the horrible weather in kl marred by the worsening haze, mother nature decided to hit back... and she did so - with a vengeance...

it poured this morning for about 5 hours or so... and i haven't seen rain this heavy since god knows when. i just stood at the door of my house, witnessing nature cleansing itself. somehow, it feels so good. the strong winds... the smell of rain... ever so pleasing...

at the end of it all, the sky was crystal clear once more... =)

glory glory man utd!

feels like forever for the season to start. but wait no more - epl 2005/06 is here!
and for the first match of the season, man utd vs everton. felt like a drug addict getting his fix watching this match (although i have no idea how that actually felt like). glued to the tv for the whole match! =)
as for man utd, i dun think they'll have an outstanding season as they haven't really strengthen the squad. but i guess they'll be much stronger compared to last season and they'll be able to perform more consistently. with van der sar, at least their defense will be more reliable. and with rooney, ronaldo and van nistelrooy settling in with their partnership, things can only get better. my guess for this season? it'll be a two horse race between man utd and chelsea. arsenal will still be around but i dun think they'll be strong enough to challenge. and liverpool? they'll realise they were just plain lucky last season (especially in europe)... muahahahaha...
with that said, i really do wish man utd will finally strengthen their midfield. personally i feel it's the weakest part of the team and the most important. it's the link for the whole game! if the midfield is not running, it's like a car without it's engine. with ronaldo, fletcher, giggs, scholes and keane, they've got a good foundation to build the midfield around. but keane and scholes are almost past their prime. they need one or maybe two world-class midfield who can hold up play and pull the passes from the middle of the park. i say go get ballack!

=) just getting a little too excited at the start of the season, especially with things looking rosy for man utd...

picture gallery

i've always wanted to post these pics up (there's many more actually) but i've always procrastinated as usual... anyway, i dun really know in which order should i put it up.. whether for it to be viewed from up to down or down to up? so here's a guide:

the first four would be the mount kinabalu pics taken way back in january 2000 and it should be viewed in this order - long overdue pics, the living legends, sulfur bath and on top of the world...

the next four are a more recent pics of my trip to redang island (june 2005) and it should be viewed in this order (for no particular reason) - redang island, enjoying the breeze, breathtaking view and my favorite...

since right now i have difficulty expressing myself in words, i think it's a rather appropriate time to put up these pics... i'll have a few more to post (2 in particular)... but you'll have to wait a while for that one to be up... actually, it should be up by tomorrow... =)

redang island

redang trip june 2005... from left to right: cheong kit, myself, ly and jason...

it's a little bit delayed but i think it's about time for me to post the pics from our trip to redang island last june... the best holiday i've had in recent memory with my friends... thanks guys, i've had a blast!

enjoying the breeze...

after a hard day at sea... hehehe... the 3 of us posing after a snorkeling trip...

my favorite...

my favorite pic from the redang trip... amazingly, after five years together, this is our first trip together... i love you...

breathtaking view...

sunrise in redang... it's the best view we could get through the cloudy skies... and it's still a magnificent view...

long overdue pics...

sunrise at the base of mount kinabalu... simply spectacular (although i look rather thin... blame it on the cold winds!)... (jan 2000)

i've always wanted to put these pics up but i've always put it off till now... this particular journey has always been memorable to me... not just because we conquered the highest peak in south east asia (it is rather easy to climb actually) but it is special because of the friends which went with me... and till now, they have been the closest friends i have ever had...

the living legends... =)

the fellowship i'll never forget at the highest point in south east asia... (jan 2000)

i've always been proud of the bond we had among us... talking bout the times we've had has always made me smile... i don't have a brother in life but they are as good as any brother i can ask for...

from left to right: kam, myself, ang, zi hui, jacky and jason...

sulfur bath...

a very gay moment for the "living legends" but memorable nonetheless... =) (jan 2000)

on top of the world...

kam and myself on the top of mount kinabalu... the best view i've ever seen... (jan 2000)

long break

it's been a while since i blogged bout anything. just don't feel like doing it anymore. can't see the point in blogging. i used to blog just to ramble bout my feelings, my thoughts. but reading back, i do realize that most of my feelings' thoughts were rather negative. depressed, sad, tired... is my life really so miserable? i dun think so...

perhaps negative thoughts are easier to put down to words. perhaps that's why there's very little happy blogs from me. perhaps it's the emotions. perhaps i'm just screwed. anyway, i dun think i'll totally stop blogging. perhaps all i need is a long break.

... part2

well... my train of thoughts have definitely switched tracks... and i'm no more in that kind of mood anyway... at times like this (normal times that is), i am practically too busy to care bout much... and i'm back to being myself... no idea why i'm always so busy... poor time management probably...

anyway, just felt like blogging so here i am... although my mind right now is truly blank... just rushed through another lab session just now... and in the middle of my break currently...

well, i guess that's it for now... =)

ps: this is just a crappy entry...

...

it's been 2 weeks into the new semester and my life has fallen back into that daily routine of a student's life...
nothing much to talk about basically except to say that things are going on rather slowly; actually time moved pretty rapidly, it's just that the things around me ain't keeping up with time...
i was in a horrible mood the past weekend. tons of assignments to be rushed through and yet i didn't wanna move a finger. ok, i'm just lazy.
anyway, thought bout some stuff... these things actually do bother me at times (more than i'd like) but i usually dismiss them without much fuss.
i have been thinking bout how i'm already 22 and yet haven't really achieved anything significant as a person. i'm not talking bout studies or anything like that. i mean doing stuff that makes a difference in ppl's lives. things that make ppl look at me in a different light. honestly i'm quite tired of being looked at as the 'rebellious kid' (although i admit at times i kinda liked that tag)... guess things really do change with time huh?
i looked back at what i have done, what i am doing... and i realized, throughout the years, i've really just been cruising down a path that is already there. and i dun want to do that!
i've been told by a friend that it doesn't matter which road you choose to travel in life, just as long as you leave your footprints behind. i guess that is good enough. but deep down, i dun wanna travel where everyone has been... i wanna lay down a new path for others to travel. i dun wanna just leave my footprint to be washed away in the sands of time.
the sad part? i dun think i can change anything right now... following the path laid down in front of me is hard enough without going astray. keeping up with time, with expectations... everything is so freaking hard. just trying to be who i am is already proving to be a strenuous effort.
i guess doing what i want to do and doing what i have to do is two totally different worlds huh?

ermm... i've gtg.. blogging from uniten's library actually... hopefully this entry will have a part 2 soon (that's if i dun lose my train of thoughts)...

ps: i dunno if i made any sense in what i just wrote but it is basically what i have in my brains right now - unfiltered.

update

just a quick update. today's my first day back in uniten after a 2 week break. the break was good. the trips to penang and redang was particularly fun (pictures and details due later)... but... yes, there's always a but... i didn't do quite well in my previous special semester and my cgpa dropped further... kinda disappointed in that...

anyway, really didn't feel like starting my classes just yet. damn bloody lazy right now. but i guess after a week or two, that mood should be done with. well, at least that's what i hope. =)

btw, i haven't even decided on my time table for this sem yet which is soooo not like me... actually, i haven't even decided on the subjects that i'm gonna take... my gut feeling tells me this is gonna be a long, long semester for me to suffer... hehehe...

well, gotta go for my first class of the sem now... bye2...

busy once more... in a good way...

the exams have been over for more than a week now... but i'm still rather busy... but, like i said, in a good way... let me explain...
i'm just back from a trip to penang last night and tonight, i'm off to redang with jason, ck and ly! yup... i'm busy with holidays... hahaha... jealous?
anyway, i left kl on weds night. took a night train to penang. i dunno wat is it with trains but i really do enjoy the ride although it lasted nearly 8 1/2 hours... trains are just amazing for me... something bout sitting in a train, looking at the scenery flying by that spells peace to me... i reached butterworth at bout 5 something and took the ferry across to the island, another ride that i truly enjoyed (probably coz i dun have to take the ferry everyday...)
in penang i spent 4 days, 3 nights in total relaxation. it turned out better than expected actually... slept till way past noon everyday and stayed out till late at night (or is it early?)... anyway, i did wat i really wanted to do - NOTHING!
however, i do find the lifestyle in penang rather slow compared to the hectic ways of kl. but, i'm not gonna complain bout that too much... it's been a while since i had such a perfect holiday... seriously...
well, i guess i just wanted to drop a few lines here... just wanted to let anyone who cares know that i'm still alive and kicking! i'm kinda in a rush right now... need to go buy some stuff for my trip to redang tonight. i'm leaving kl on a 1030 bus tonight and i'll be back on thurs... i'll post a longer blog bout both my trips and probably get some pictures on as well... haven't done that in a while...
this holiday is turning out to be a blast!

ps: seow, sorry dude... i really can't wait for u to return for that trip coz my classes starts on the 4th... anyway, there's always next time right? meet for a drink when i get back?

busy busy busy

just one more week... after that, i'll have a two week break which i plan to have some fun - although i really do not have the faintest idea of what i'm going to do... well, shouldn't be too difficult to have some fun right?

anyway... i just wanna explain the lack of activity on my blog these few days. my finals are coming up next week and since this is the shorter semester, i have loads to do. tests, assignments, quizzes, presentations... blablabla... so till next week... adios...

damn

i'm usually neutral when it comes to racism. especially when the bumiputra's special rights are the main agenda. most of my friends can testify to that. i think in a country like malaysia, rich in it's own cultures and diversities, tolerance is a must for us. for peace to prevail, we must learn to make certain sacrifices and learn to live with each other. if we can't do that, the unity on which this country was founded on will crumble.
however, instances and individuals highlighted in this particular letter makes me wonder. why do i maintain my idealistic views? right now, i really do not know. and don't get me wrong. i'm not blaming a particular race. all i have to say is that we are all responsible as a whole.

kingdom of heaven

i just watched the movie yest with ly. i'm not a huge fan of orlando bloom (i prefer aragorn compared to legolas) nor am i a fanatic christian. and i do have my reservations about the crusade. with all that, i watched the movie with not much expectations and well, i was just trying to enjoy the movie. i do like these 'epic' movies.

so how was the movie? i actually find it pretty good and mainly because for me, it has a deeper value than just a movie. wat the movie portrayed was so true... wat is jerusalem anyway? after all the bloodshed, can it remain a holy land? do god really want us to slaughter each other under his holy name?

come to think of it, the situation hasn't changed much these days. the only difference - swords are replaced with guns and technology has made all the killings easier and with greater impact. and they say history lessons are for us to learn our past mistakes so that we do not repeat those mistakes.

i would like to continue blogging about my opinion on this matter but there's something telling me i shouldn't. after what happen to a close friend of mine, i decided that the 'freedom of speech' crap is just that - crap. and i wouldn't challenge that although i want to. see, this is what you should do with history lessons... LEARN...

emotional roller coaster

the past few months have been really strange on me. i do not know since when, but i've realized for a few weeks now - my temper is back. actually, it's not just my temper. me ego's back for a visit as well. it's all the negative emotions that has been lingering around during my high school days. all the anger and hatred welled up in me. all the sadness and disappointments and frustrations. it's everything dark and more.

the weird part? i can't decide if it's good or bad. you see... i've been trying to change myself, to be a new person when i started life in uniten. so i started to change. trying to be someone i'm not. it succeeded, definitely... no more temper, no more depression. but with that, i've also lost a part of myself. i've lost touch with the person i am, my identity.

i know it might sound silly to some of you, but by changing myself, i've lost the drive to push myself to the limits. i've abandoned everything that meant something to me.

i'm confused. just when i thought i've managed to blend in, to make ppl around me comfortable... just when i thought i've fulfilled the expectations certain ppl have on me... i lose myself...

how is it possible?

the stats says it all... man utd controlled the game for the whole of 120 mins but just couldn't score... and in the end, we ended up with nothing... arsenal were just plain lucky to have gotten away with that... with that said, man utd still rocks! GLORY GLORY MAN UTD!

where do i find the time?

as teenagers/ young adults, i guess there are a few expectations to fulfil. especially from our own parents. well, i've got a few that i would like to fulfil, personally. these, i guess, are the basic aspects that we should grow accustomed to:

1. to be a good son
2. to be a faithful/ active follower of christ
3. to be a good/ active student
4. to be a good bf (well, i've gotta be responsible right?)

*i would love to add - a good sporstman but too bad i have neither the skill nor the talents to really make it big in any sport.

well... from the overview, it would seem to be an easy task right? just four objectives. well, let me break it down one by one, in my view point.

good/ active student. i dun know bout other students. but it seems like studies have taken up a large portion of my days right now. taken up much more of my time than my liking. just felt like, it's something that i HAVE to do. i dunno why. it ain't like this back in secondary school. and it's affecting my relationship with my gf much more than i expected. and because of that, even my frens (jason in particular) have labeled me as the "ffk" guy... and lately, i have tried to be an active student as well... trying to get involved in various projects in my uni... but it's definately more challenging than it seems. never seem to have enough time in a day. and i think i sleep less compared with the normal guys. i practically sleep bout 3/4 hours a day... on a good day, i get 5 hours of sleep.

faithfull/ active follower of christ. i have to admit i ain't strong religously. i started going to bible class early this year but i have skipped the past 8 classes (2 months) due to exams and robocon and stuff... and the youth group. i really wanted to be part of it but how can i? do i have the time to spend during the weekends? i would dread making promises that i can't keep.

good son. this is, for me, the main pritority right now. my parents have sacrificed a lot for me. and because of them, i am who i am right now. i know it's not much but at least i hope i can make them proud. they have given me all that i could ask for. all the support and love that i need, a wonderful home to live in, delicious food for every meal and a sound education.

last but not least, a good bf. well... for some this is not important. but i feel that, the moment i decided to have a gf, i should take the responsibility as her bf. to treat her nice, to pamper her, to make her happy. but i do realise i've not been doing that lately. i realise that i've been breaking a lot of my promises to her. just hope that she can understand my situation. it's not that i dun wanna fulfil my promises. i just can't.

well... there you have it. how do i achieve all those? i only have 24 hours a day like everyone. how does everyone achieve it? and not to forget, there are many more that i would love to do. my guitar class, my robotic project, my computer games, my weekly night out, weekly game of futsal... all of which i haven't given much thought lately or simply haven't got the time to do.

it could all boil down to time management and discipline, the 2 characters which i kinda lack. and it could be that my priorities are not right. or maybe i'm just thinking too much and taking things too seriously. maybe all i have to do is to chill and relax. enjoy life as it is. so wat do u think?

project NiC?

as i've said before, the robotic comp did ignite my interest in this field. so after deliberating over it for a while, i've decided to embark on a project of my own. well, nothing too high tech. just something simple for me to fill my spare time with. my project will be done in stages and i will post my progress along the way, that way, my blog won't be so dead as well... =)

i'll think over the stages of my project before announcing it here. meanwhile, anyone who can help me out, please do. i need all the help i can get especially in the electronics and programming part.

however, i'm still in the thinking stage only. i do not know if i can manage to find the time required to work on this project, so i guess it'll be a slow moving project. anyway, more updates on this soon.

results

kinda bored of studying and can't think of anything to post so here's my result for the previous sem... i'm neither sad nor happy bout it... ermm... basically no comments... however, i have to say this is my worst result so far... moral studies II is a STUPID subject to study! but for the rest, felt like i screwed some of the papers but the results still came out ok... so i guess i'm a lucky kid... =)

back again...

after disappearing for a while, i think it's about time to reactive my blogging life...

just barely two weeks ago, i was involved in a robotic competition (robocon) held in pwtc which involves the participation of several universities around Malaysia. given the lack of preparation by my group, it's no surprise that our team lost in the round of 16 while the other representative of uniten fell in the quarterfinals. what did i gain from the competition? a lot i guess. not just from the technical point of view but also from the experience it gave me.

technically, i've found a new interest in robots. especially the electronics and programming part. throughout robocon, it is quite obvious that the major difference between each university is the reliability of the robots and that basically comes under how well it was programmed and also how reliable the circuitry was constructed. mechanically, almost all the robots could perform what they were built to do. So i guess the challenge is there and it is up to us to answer.

from the experience, our group actually faced some problems within ourselves. let's just say we had different ideas and personalities. and after the storm, we sat to talk things through. it was then that i realized how much i missed being with my group of friends (jason, kam, zi hui, jacky, ang). i remembered how much fun it was to work with them during our years back in VI. although we did face tremendous pressure at times but the passion and unity that we shared pulled us through. as a result of that, we sailed through the years with wonderful memories, through good and bad times.

with this group, i was hoping to achieve that, but i guess it's too much to ask for. first and foremost, we do not share the same passion. and i guess we all have different views on the values of unity and brotherhood. anyway, it is perhaps a good thing too. at least the bond between my friends and i will always remain a special one. and now i know that it can never be replaced.

this is getting rather emotional. and i'm probably painting the wrong picture about my current group of friends. i'm not saying they're all bad. they've got their plus points and they're fun to hang out with. if not i wouldn't be hanging out with them so often right? just that we share a different perspective in the friendship we have. whatever it is, i'm still looking forward to working with them on future projects and by the way, two of the projects have already begun.

so with that out of the way, back to my studies. it's now special sem in uniten which means everything is cramped up into 2 months. and i have foolishly challenged myself into taking two subjects and a lab during this sem. now, i'm suffering the consequences as my time table is bloody packed! i barely have time left for myself... let's just hope i can survive this sem...

with that, i'll end this entry.. gotta hit the books as there'll be a quiz tomorrow...

ps: i'll try to have more consistent entries from now on... =)

it has been a while

seems like it has been quite a while since i last blogged about the happenings around me... maybe that's because there is nothing much going on - nothing to get excited about and nothing much to complain... well, i can't say that's true on the emotions side of me (pretty hard to explain why here)...

other than that, i've been pretty busy... at first it was the finals which i think i did pretty bad in almost every paper... and then, just after a day's rest, i've been busy with a robotic competition which is coming soon... dun really feel like elaborating on it coz i dun think we've got any chance of winning it right now... maybe later?

however, i do realize something... i used to be the kind of person who loves to reflect back on past memories - to rekindle back the feelings often good old times... and to my surprise, it hasn't happened lately... not even once in the past couple of months... i've just been swept by the tide of events around me... getting too hooked up in my studies, ignoring everything around me...

and another thing is that there is a lot of changes happening around me which i didn't take the time to notice them before.. and now, the changes have suddenly hit me and i've realized that it is just too rapid... my family situation, my relationship with my gf and my friends, my life in uniten, my studies... so many changes in such short time... it's hard coming to terms with...

anyway, my head hurts real bad right now and i think i've gotta go get some sleep... g'night...

ps: reading through my entry, it seems pretty disoriented... that's probably the best way to describe my situation/ feelings right now...

why?!

stop screaming at me
stop being angry with me
stop blaming me
i just needed your support
why are you treating me like this?!

another tsunami?

just received news there was an earthquake of about 8.5 which hit at approximately the same area which caused the boxing day tsunami. in malaysia, so far, i have received news that penang, kajang, puchong and sentul have felt the quake. on cnn, it is being predicted that there will be another tsunami hitting the shores of the countries around sumatera. another disaster within 3 months? god, bless us all...

out of boredom...

You scored as Christianity. Your views are most similar to those of Christianity. Do more research on Christianity and possibly consider being baptized and accepting Jesus, if you aren't already Christian. Christianity is the second of the Abrahamic faiths; it follows Judaism and is followed by Islam. It differs in its belief of Jesus, as not a prophet nor historical figure, but as God in human form. The Holy Trinity is the concept that God takes three forms: the Father, the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Ghost (sometimes called Holy Spirit). Jesus taught the idea of instead of seeking revenge, one should love his or her neighbors and enemies. Christians believe that Jesus died on the cross to save humankind and forgive people's sins. Christianity 83% Judaism 75% Paganism 67% Buddhism 58% Islam 50% Satanism 38% Hinduism 25% agnosticism 8% atheism 0% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

F1... here i come!

got myself 2 tickets to catch the formula 1 race in sepang!

uncertainties

Can you hear me, my love?
Yearning for a kiss, a hug
But only in darkness, in shadows
For you have him and I have her

While I’m waiting for your love,
Are you kissing him? Hugging him?
My heart is battered
My pride not withstanding

Must be hard for you as well
To know that my hugs belong to her
To learn that my lips kisses another
Can you live with that?

What have we, between us?
I have never felt a love like this
I have never felt a bond like this
So strong and yet so very fragile

How do we go through our days?
All I need is your affection, your love
All I need to know is that I’m not alone
With that I shall be strong, waiting

How do you survive this?
Are you fighting your wills as well?
What do you need? Let me know
Let me fight your battles and wars

I will be there, no matter what
You will always be in my heart
My love for you has grown
Too deep, too fast to say no


ps: this is the first time i've written anything bout love. i don't know if it's any good.

disclaimer: the characters of "you", "him", "i" and "her" are purely fictional and does not imply on myself or anyone i know. the meaning of this article is absolutely not associated with me or anyone i know.

a done deal?

my friend and i made a verbal agreement today... in 13 years from now, when i'm 35 and he's 37, we'll meet in sepang f1 circuit to race each other. i'll be there in my evo6 and he'll be waiting in his lotus elise... =)

seems like a pretty got deal to me... i wonder what's the probability of it going through? will we even remember it 13 years from now? let this be a time capsul - a reminder... =)

third entry

three entries in one hour? that ain't me! =)
well, this is me... i have got nothing to write about actually... plenty to do and read though - got two papers to sit for next week...
just that i'm feeling so bloody bored! and there's no one around to humor me... damn pathetic.. i know... but what the heck...
been thinking a lot (dreaming) lately... just feels so cramped up as a student... can't wait to embark on a journey to challenge the world as a working adult... i might regret this line after 20 years at the same job... =)
guess that's enough crap for a day... =)
ps: i've got a stupid smile plastered on my face all day long though i dun really feel like smiling. no idea why.

in the mood

happy to say that i'm in the mood to write once more. not due to anger. not due to frustration. erm... what the heck - i just feel like writing...
anyway, wrote 2 pieces in about 30 mins... the other piece won't be posted as i dun really feel good reading it... =)
let me know what u think of it ok?

faith

we, humans - how naive can we be?
we trust only what we see
believe only what we know
easier to trust than to believe
easier to believe than to have faith

without faith, what are we?
without faith, where will we be?
He suffered and died for us to see
and yet we are blinded by ignorance
do we take His sacrifice so lightly?

as certain as the next heartbeat
as certain as the sun will rise
faith will guide us, lead us
through the valley of darkness
through the treacherous path of life

reach out and feel its warmth
take a breath and smell its sweetness
embrace it with open arms fools!
it's your only light through darkness
it's your only ticket to eternal life

a slow start?

amazingly, this would only be my third blog for the year and it's already going to be march soon. no matter how many times i say it or hear it from someone else, i still can't believe how fast time flies. feels like it's only the start of the year and before i know it, 3 months have flown past. this semester is especially hectic for me but i do not know the reason why. i've had so much planned for the year but now it seems that all my plans are gonna go down the drain. it would be amazing enough if i manage to stay in the robotic competition being held and also join in the project under a certain dr liew in uniten.

for the robotic competition, well it's kinda like a game of basketball and we've gotta come up with bots (auto and manual) to play the game. initially i thought it would be fun and challenging but now that i realized how little i know, i'm beginning to learn how tough it actually is. as for the project under dr. liew, ermm... i'm not so sure yet as to the objective of the research. all i know is the fact that i'm gonna be learning a hell lot more from him about aviation practically than i ever would learn in any other classes in uniten. whether i make it through or not, we'll just have to wait and see.

and something else... although everything is getting better (my life in uniten, studies etc) i somehow wanna get more in touch with my emotions. especially my negative emotions (depression, anger etc). i feel like it's the only thing that gives me the passion to keep on writing. although that would mean all my articles would be on the darker side, but at least i will be able to write. i haven't wrote for quite sometime now and i do miss writing a lot.

another thing that i really missed - FOOTBALL! it's tough getting enough people to play it and to make matters worse, half of my friends do not enjoy playing it. man, i've gotta get the right group of friends! however, i would have to say, even if i meet the right people, i still wouldn't be able to play at least for a couple of months. my right knee hurts like hell right now thanks to an old injury. i don't know how long it would take for it to heal but i hope it's soon. really miss slamming the ball into the back of the net. glorious feeling!

last but not least, an update on my relationship. actually, this would be a short msg to ly. our relationship has been going on for so long now (5 years) that everything felt routine. our phone calls, our dates... even our hugs and kisses lack passion... it's been a tough couple of weeks or was it months? and perhaps we both have changed. the way we see our future, the way we value certain things in life. you want it simple but i've got a complicated, weird way of thinking. i miss the times when we could just talk and laugh about everything. that feeling seems to have evaded us. i dun wanna live in the present, thinking of past memories. i want to live it. i need to.

however, for the past few days, things seemed to be getting better, albeit slowly. i know you do not want to rush things, and i, myself find it more comfortable maintaining our relationship like this, with minimum commitment. at least for the moment, just to steady the ship through the storm. i'll let you be the captain of the ship for now ok? we'll go at your speed. i know you are tired of arguing. so am i. it still hurts to hear you cry. as you've said before - let's take things slow. one day at a time. but my love for you will always remain true. i love you, no matter what.

hmm.. it's getting personal... guess i'd better stop here. actually it doesn't matter, no one reads my blog anyway... =)

for the record

a friend of mine told me that my posts is so full of dissatisfaction and it seems that i have so much hatred towards life. well, i just wanna straighten out the facts for the record here. i know what my friend said is true. but it is not because i'm dissatisfied with life or whatsoever. in fact, i'm very grateful for the life i'm living right now. i'm thankful that god has blessed me with so many gifts and for me to be able to lead this lifestyle which many could not achieve.

so why the angry posts? why so much hatred? well, all those anger is directed at no one other than yours truly. it is my way of telling myself how much i need to improve. i'm disappointed with all the things that i couldn't achieve, all the things that's out of my reach. i know no one is perfect, but what's the harm in trying to be? why do you think my blog is titled unfinished_article? i am the unfinished article. we all are. we're not perfect and neither are we complete. life is all but a journey for us.

i know it's difficult to understand me. i confuse myself sometimes. well, i just like to think that i'm different.

2005 - a year of hope

"I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.

And help us to be wise in times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way

Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace

To a place where we'll be safe"

_

- celine dion, the prayer

_

*one minute silence*

_

after a year of trouble and turbulence, let us start the year on a fresh note. the past shall remain in our memories; bitter or sweet. the future - times for us to look forward to. and we will live in the present to the fullest; relishing and savoring every moment.

_

how's that for the opening of my first post for 2005? and how's the new outlook of my blog? new year, new look, new person? nah... i'm still the same guy as i always will be - good or bad... hahaha...

i haven't been attending to my blog as frequent as i wanted to and it's already been a month since my last entry which means there is a lot of catching up to do. so, what's new this year? nothing much really... still stuck with the normal routines. the only new event was the fact that i joined an engineering competition which basically humbled me and brought me crashing back to earth. but the experience was invaluable to us (at least that's what i'd like to think...) and there was a consolation. we won the best booth award... not really an engineering award huh? there'll be more details on the competition when i get the pics up...

other than that, i'm currently in the middle of my midterm papers - two down, two more to go. i don't really mind the papers though. what i do mind is the timing. my midterm break (next week) is sandwiched in between my papers! how am i gonna enjoy my break? and chinese new year too? damn... but there is a bright side to it though. i'll have more time to study and looking at the subjects i'm taking this sem, i'll need all the help i can get to score.

well, i guess that's all that happened for the past month... and what am i doing right now? waiting for man utd vs arsenal at 4 am. that'll be around 2 hours from now...

my prediction - man utd 3 arsenal 2

that's all i'm gonna say bout that match for now... =)

hmmm... i guess that's all. gotta get started with my stacked up assignments. and to end this post, here's some pics i took during the new year eve dinner at jason's place. not too many turned up but i had a good time anyway... =)

_

me and ly

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me and jason

_

cute guy ain't he?

last entry of 2004

it's been so long since i last blogged from uni but recently, uniten had this new IT building and it's time to give it a try. i've gotta admit it's pretty cool. much better than the engineering block for sure. anyway, i've got a class in 30 mins and since i've gotta settle some stuff on my project after the class and then rush to jason's place for the new year eve's dinner, i guess that would leave me with precious little time to blog again before midnight. meaning? this will be my last entry for the year 2004... hahaha...
so what can i say bout 2004? generally it's been good. i'm finally feeling a bit more comfortable studying in uniten, finally being able to adapt to my surroundings. quite a lot have changed compared to my first sem here and the changes were pretty much good for me (it's not great though...) however, i've really gotta improve on my time management and to set my priorities straight. gotta stop ignoring the people beside me (especially ly) when i'm pressured by my studies... conclusion? 2004 ain't that bad... =)
with all that said, i must add that i've got a much higher expectation for 2005... 2004 was good, 2005 better be great! hahaha... but we'll just have to wait and see don't we?
anyway, it's time to say farewell again (the new building is cool, but it's bloody far from the main engineering block... damn...)
have a happy, happy new year everyone!!!
and god bless...
see ya in 2005... hahaha...

time flies...

i was watching a replay of a 1996 FA cup semi final match between man utd and chelsea on espn when i suddenly realized how fast time flew by... as i watched the players (beckham, giggs, keane, cantona) play, i remembered this was the team that made me support man utd in the first place. especially cantona. man, he's exceptional. and after that, another fact hit me - this match took place 8 years ago! 8 years!

i wondered how much i've change over the years. did i turn out to be a better man or worse? i look at the players and from my point, they haven't changed a bit. their style, their character, their movement.

and tomorrow will be the start of a new year. 2004 will be history and we will usher in 2005. how will it be? one thing for sure, it will start on a solemn tone. the tsunami disaster which hit the south east asia is leaving such a huge impact that it will take years for this region to recover. i've always known that mother nature has a funny but cruel way of reminding us just how powerful she can be if she wanted to. just as we were taking her for granted, bam! she hits us with something like this. but never before has it been so fearsome. although malaysia (especially kl) wasn't as badly hit compared to our neighbors but the fact that tens of thousands lost their lives does have a huge impact.

anyway, all that happened made me recall the good old times. and i've realized that family and friends come first before anything else in life (my life at least)... so just let me take this moment to thank all my friends and family (i dun really know which category does ly belong to?) for being there for me through good times and bad... i dun wanna name names coz you guys know if you are my friends or not and i won't hurt anyone's feelings this way... hahaha... however, the few who are really special to me (jacky, kam, jason, zi hui, ang), you guys have shown me the true meaning of friendship...

and not to forget, ly... better mention her here before she gets jealous... hahaha... well, like kam said, new year's eve will always be special to us... we're going into our fifth year now... amazing isn't it? to think that i barely knew here when we started our relationship... yup.. that's right, we weren't even friends... it was just my gut feeling that she's special and the way she made me feel so comfortable when i'm around her... she will always be special to me, an amazing girl... i'm glad she's mine... =)

i could go on and on about the past but i really should stop here... it's getting really late and i have to get back to my reality and the present... i've got loads of assignments and the projects ain't going on smoothly... my tests are coming up and i haven't started studying... hahaha... ain't the reality harsh? well, i'll save all that for my next blog...

have a happy new year everyone and god bless!!!

till next time...

a long break

hi! i'm back after a long, long, long break from the world of bloggers... needed that break though... set my priorities right, getting back to my studies, trying to get back on track with all the things going on right now... i've been busy...

anyway, while i was away, i've turned 21, started a new semester, spent my christmas in penang (in the midst of the tsunami scare), got my ears pierced again and i've been extremely busy huh? hahaha...

at first it was fun with all the project and stuff to do... but now with the sem in full swing, it's getting pretty tiring. i barely have enough time left in my day to even meet my gf! everything feels so weird now. i've got to plan for everything in advance. can't go out when i feel like going out anymore. well, this sem is gonna be challenging... anyway, as long as i can juggle my time well, i guess this would also be an interesting time for me in uniten. it would allow me to judge my true capabilities... hahaha... it's a load of crap... =)

come to think of it, this time has been good for my relationship with ly too. i've said before that i've been seriously reconsidering my relationship with her. however, this time spent apart has made us miss each other more and has made my heart grow fonder. we still have our frequent arguments but i look forward to seeing her so much more. we've got a date coming this thurs and for the first time after so long, i'm actually thinking about it, making plans... man, this is weird!

anyway, i'm really looking forward to the new year. it's probably gonna start with a bbq dinner at a friends house. and after that... i can just hope for the best... =)

ps: it feels good to be back...

feeling lucky...

i just got my results of last sem a couple of days ago. and i just wanna say that i was really lucky to have achieved the results i did. it wasn't perfect but it's still much better than i expected... =)

a trip down south

i traveled south with ly today, headed to port dickson (it's the nearest beach available). actually, i've always wanted to go on a road trip with her. plus, i've just realized i've never watched the sun set beyond the horizon before. i left home about 4:15 in the evening, and the trip took about 80 minutes.
well, nothing much happened in the trip, so it was basically a good, relaxing day out. but for me, it was an important trip. as you might have noticed, i've stopped blogging for a while. it's not because i was busy or lazy, but just the fact that i'm in no mood to write, or talk. i've suddenly lost the zest for life. i have even considered breaking up this relationship with ly. depression probably. my life became a routine cycle. the same events repeating day after day. however, this trip reminded me why i was with her in the first place. it made me realize that i was taking her for granted all this while and how much this relationship means to the both of us.
hopefully, i will be able to turn over a new leaf after this. no more depression. no more frustration.
back to the trip. even though i was unable to actually see the sun go down, blocked by some stupid clouds, the view was still spectacular. and to be able to witness that with ly by my side made it even more memorable. it felt good lazing by the seaside. a new environment, the smell of the sea breeze. refreshing.
i have no idea why but a good, long drive always feels good. i just love the feeling of cruising behind the wheel. not too fast, not too slow... so, so relaxing... =)

metaphorical pic...

i just like this pic a lot. somehow, it is me and ly. from the colour to the taste.

holiday blues...

i've had a busy holiday ever since it started on the 5th of nov. can't remember a single night in which i've stayed home. i should be ecstatic but surprisingly i find myself feeling kinda blue. i don't know why. probably i should spend a few days at home instead...

well, ly is gonna be having her exams soon (it's gonna be over in a weeks time), so i'm hoping things will get better...

actually, before the holidays started, i wanted to blog daily. but now, i just don't have the mood to get anything done. nothing appeals to me. and this blog seems so... dead. i know. coz that's exactly how i'm feeling, which is weird. i should be happy but i'm depressed. how can that be? this situation is really beginning to get on my nerves. i wanna write a bloody long entry but my mind just doesn't allow it. what the hell is wrong with me?

time to learn...

ok, the previous post, i was just testing on how to post a pic on my blog... i really have got no idea on how to do it... kam, how do you put a pic on your profile? and do you use 'hello' to post your pics on your blog? man... i wanna learn... but i am LAZY... and kam, if you dun mind, how do you actually change the template of your blog?

anyway, today i had fun... played football from 9 to 11... pm! hahaha... my parents think i'm nuts... now, i'm dead tired and my bed's calling me, so today's entry will be an extremely short one... hahaha...

ps: the questions above are not directed to kam alone... if there is any kind souls out there willing to teach, i'm willing to learn... =)

testing...

me and ly at bukit tinggi

back... and blogging...

i'm back at last... man, that has got to be the worst exam week ever... it was so depressing and stressful... and i definitely do not want to remind myself bout it, so i won't say anything till my results are out... anyway, i'm grateful it's over...
so let's see, one month for me to kick back and relax... i've already made up on lost time - been paying need for speed underground non-stop for the past two days... i didn't even wanna come online... hahaha...
plans for the holidays...
1) sky-diving with jason though we might face some problems coz we can't find anyone else with enough guts to join us... they only hold classes for a minimum of 5 ppl... =(
2) spend as much time as possible with ly. she has helped me so much through my exam week even though she's down with fever... she has always been there for me, supporting me when i'm emotionally drained... and the fact that she has exams coming up next week makes it even worse... man, i miss her sooo much... muacks!
3) meet up with old friends for a drink since it's generally holidays for everyone around here... =)
4) play as much football as possible...
5) go out on a road trip with ly... it's been so long since we last spend time having fun... =(
6) go on at least one road trip with friends (min 100km away from my house)... Especially if that sky-diving plan doesn't take off...
7) ermm... i'll think of something else later... =)
well, if half of what i planned takes off, i'll consider this holiday a good one... hahaha...

time for some updates on myself - first of all, my decision on the scholarship. i rejected it. don't ask me why. i don't know if it's the right thing to do but that's what i did. i went to consult 2 of my lecturers before i made that decision and both of them agreed that i should not accept the scholasrship. and both of them seem to have more confidence in me than myself... that's strange... however, according to them, with my results, it's better if i keep my options open... and they said that i'll have a brighter future if i'm not bonded... well, only time will tell if that's true...

i wonder if i'll live to regret that decision?

dessert, anyone?

i was so damn stressed up this evening that i decided to treat myself to something nice. after going through the kitchen, i finally made myself an experimental dessert which turns out to be surprisingly tasty. here's the menu for those adventurous souls:

1/2 cup of strawberry ice-cream (preferably with a bit of sour sensation - not those extremely sweet ones), 1/2 cup of vanilla ice-cream, 1/2 cup of red wine (chilled), 1/4 cup of red sparkling juice (chilled) and 2 table spoons of rum.

try it. it's delicious!

i officially name it - the stress terminator! (i know, the name sucks but what the heck...)

dilemma

i haven't really written bout what i've been up to lately so here's a quick recap...

remember the competition that i was gonna join that i mentioned about before? well, i ended up joining three of them. one invention comp, one robotics and one graphic design (with Pro/Engineer). don't think i stand a chance winning any of them though. but i guess the experience would count for something. i'll let you know when the competition gets going. right now, everything is just in its planning stages. well basically, finals is coming up so no one's concentrating on it.

besides that, i've been on a scholarship interview last week with Genting Sanyen Power. i've been rejected so many times (5 times actually) that i went for this without any hopes at all. surprise, surprise... i got a phone call this morning informing me that i've been offered. i should be happy but i'm in a dilemma. well, here's why...

1) i'm currently on loan with ptptn. they are giving me RM 16,500 every year (one semester - RM 8,250). this is my third semester, so basically i've already received RM 24,750 and i've used up most of it for tuition fees and stuff.

2) now GSP is offering me a scholarship worth of RM 18,000 a year. however, they have told me that they will only reimburse ptptn for one semester. this means i will have to find a way to return the RM 16,500 which i received for the first 2 semesters. and part of the scholarship terms is that i will have to work for GSP for a minimum of 5 years.

3) here's the catch - one of the terms under the ptptn loan is that i will NOT be required to pay them anything IF i manage to graduate with a first class degree. the first class degree in uniten is a cgpa of 3.5 and above. my current cgpa after 2 semesters is 3.97. if you don't understand what i'm talking about, ask a friend of yours studying in a malaysian university... =)

so, there you have it. i think i'm able to graduate with a first class degree, therefore, if i continue with the ptptn loan, i will not have to pay anything and i will not be tied up with a 5 year contract. BUT if i fail to graduate with a first class degree (it is very possible), i will end up with a RM 66,000 debt which i will have to pay for.

and if i receive the scholarship offer from GSP, i will still have a huge debt of RM 16,500 but i will not have to worry bout the rest of my studies years (2 1/2 more years to go). furthermore, i will be tied down with a contract for 5 years in which i have to work for GSP. there is the good and bad in it. the good - the economy is bad these couple of years. a guaranteed job is as good as anything. at least i won't have to worry bout being unemployed. the bad - being tied down for 5 years. i can't further my studies if i want to. and i'm more interested in doing R&D and probably part time lecturing. i don't think i'll be able to do that in GSP.

so what do you think i should do? i haven't got a clue. anyway, i will be briefed this saturday. i will make my decision after that. hopefully it's the right one.

ps: my final exams are really drawing closer. i've got papers on the 3rd, 4th and 5th of november. this added to the fact that i've got lots of assignments stacked up means i'll really be disappearing for a while. but i might be writing more articles/poems... =)

messed up

i screwed up my final paper today. not because i do not know the answer, but i just didn't have enough time. it's probably my fault - lack of sleep, lack of practice and a lacklustre build up to the paper. half way through the paper, i just wanted to give up. don't remember feeling so defeated for a long, long time. just when i thought everything was going on well for me, my confidence is shattered again.

damn.

mind games

Drowsy, my mind floats
Destination: unknown
It’s far. That I know for sure
Away from this routine life

It ain’t used to be like this
Or was it? I ain’t sure
My mind’s been playing me
Tricks and treats all day

It used to be exciting
No. It’s Exhilarating
But I ain’t happy was I?
Depressed or frustrated
Choice of the day

The pace has slowed down
Not as much adrenaline rush
No more pumping fists
Or rushing blood to my temples
Something’s missing

Happy I’m not
Neither am I depressed
Or frustrated. Weird.
I thought I knew what was best
Guess I’m wrong. Yet again

lighten up?

ly says my entries are too negative and the words are too heavy... is it true? the one thing i wanted to avoid from the start is to sound negative and to give the impression that my life sucks... it's tough (my life) but it's not that bad... heck, if it's smooth sailing all the way, what's there to enjoy right? anyway, i'll try to lighten up a bit more in my next entries...

let loose...

ever had that feeling where you just wanna let go of everything you are doing, screw all the things going on around you and just go wild? i'm having a huge dose of that right now... a couple of hours ago, i really wanted to just let go of everything i'm doing (it basically involves studies only) and just go wild... the thought of having a drink in bangsar/ hartamas while having a puff of smoke seems sooo inviting... which is weird considering the fact that i don't smoke...
why do i like drinking so much? hmm... i'm not an alcoholic, that's for sure... i think i like drinking because of the atmosphere... similar to the reason why i like to have a cup of coffee at night with my parents... i just like the company and the time spent together... that has a side effect though - i've been really addicted to coffee, can't function without it.
so back to drinking. i enjoy drinking because of the ambience of the place. obviously i choose the place i drink and i have a few favourite spots. it's not any of those loud discos with blaring techno beat blasting from gigantic speakers. one of my favourite spots (a special spot for ly and i) is an outdoor joint where they are dimly lit and they play soft, relaxing music. i dun mind techno beats either, i enjoy them, but at an acceptable decibel. that's why i enjoy drinking only in certain places.
another reason? i enjoy watching people. observing the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they act. makes you realize the world is such a beauty. so many types of people living together. it's really fun. but the main reason - the company. friends. they are a gift from god. who else to share your joys and despairs over a bottle of beer? (actually with a bunch of friends, i don't mind spending the night out in a mamak stall... hahaha...)
well, whatever it is, i'm just trying to make an excuse for me to take a break from my books (good old blog, what would I do without you?) as well as an excuse for my drinking habit and hopefully this urge to go wild will find someone else to haunt (at least for this 5-6 weeks)... after my exams, i will welcome it back with arms wide open... hahaha... as for the urge to smoke... i haven't figured that out yet...

acceptance...

for another month or so, i won't be able to post so frequently (not that i'm doing it now anyway)as my finals will be around the corner... i do wonder how i'm going to get through the papers this semester as i've been in a particularly lazy mode throughout classes this time around. i doubt if i even got past third gear at any time of the semester (except while i'm playing football... hahaha...) but, i've gotta do it anyway...

i do realize something however... whenever i'm feeling pressured or depressed, i do seem to be able to perform better. when i'm depressed especially, it seems to trigger my creative side. for instance, i've been feeling particularly down the other day when i wrote "hope" and "unfinished article" was written at the end of last semester when everything seems so lost. i wonder if those articles are any good? my friends told me they are but i have doubts if they are just saying that to make me feel better. i've got low confidence so don't blame me.

which brings me to comment on an article my friend wrote on his blog. he was writing about people showing off their abilities and achievements. about people who crave appreciation. i've read in a magazine that it is a normal psychological pattern (especially with the male species) that we just want to be the strongest, fastest, biggest... you get the flow... as to appreciation, we are emotional beings. we don't actually crave appreciation but what we actually do crave is acceptance. we want to be accepted. no, we NEED to be accepted into our society.

on my personal opinion, is acceptance really that important? is is a big YES. look around you. do you know anyone who is always alone? chances are everyone you know seems to belong to a group of friends. and if there is a person who craves personal space, chances are he will be "labeled" as a loser. i know coz i've been there. well, no one actually called me a loser before but i know how depressed loneliness can get you to feel. when alone, a minute of waiting feels like an hour but with a friend, an hour feels like a minute. einstein's theory of relativity. hahaha... however, if my articles are good, i might appreciate that depressed feelings more as i will then be able to write more and who knows? my articles might be worth a fortune one day... damn... it's 12 noon and i'm still dreaming...

ok. enough crap. right now, i'm in my uni's comp lab and i've just completed my lab report due tomorrow. the reason i'm not already speeding home is that there is this innovative invention competition being organized and well, my friends and i are interested. the briefing for the competition is at one so here i am, with nothing much to do... the competition is actually an inter-varsity competition so being the low-confidence creature that i am, i don't know if we have what it takes to compete. furthermore, i'm only in my third year so what do i know? anyway, i'll just attend the briefing and i'll post further updates over here...

well, i guess i should stop "trying" to blog with an empty mind which is resulting in so much crap and instead, try to prepare for my coming final papers... hahaha... easier said than done... but i'm going to try anyway... so it's g'bye for now...

hope

Running out of inspiration
Failing flame in this withering soul
Not even a spark of life
It feels so empty, so lifeless
What has gone wrong?

Here I stand, faced with a junction
A daunting choice ahead of me
Never knowing what the future holds
As certain as the greatest legend
As certain as the most magical myth
I do not know. I never will

Is this the right path?
The right choice?
Will I live to regret it?
Joy and sadness fills the path behind me
What lays in front, waiting in the darkness?

I hope for my path to be alight
I hope for happiness, satisfaction
That’s all there is right now
Hope. Just a flicker of hope

Yes, there is hope yet
There certainly is
As certain as the brightest star
As certain as the purest moon
It’s all that keeps me going
The hope for a better tomorrow

ps: it's ok if you don't get the meaning. don't worry coz i don't really know what i'm trying to say myself.

sick

the title speaks for itself. need more rest. =þ

take a break

had a great time with ly today. spent half the day wrestling her and had a little swordplay (with two umbrellas... =þ). really can't remember the last time i laughed as much as today. it pretty much explains the reason i'm still with her... she brings out the child in me... hahaha... love you...

however, as great a time i had today, i realized too that my holidays are over. back to my routine life. sometimes i'm just so sick of life in the fast-paced world. whatever happened to "enjoy your life while you still can"? i wonder how many of us took time out to notice the changes around us? i myself just found out two days ago that the huge, ancient tree in front of my house actually does shed twice a year! it's a beautiful sight when the leaves were blown away by a gust of wind. i can't believe what i've been missing for the past years (i've been living on the same street since i was born). another reason why i treasure her. she made me realize that life is not all about seeking perfection. sometimes, life already is perfect. we constantly complain about the little imperfections surrounding us that we often miss the bigger picture.

growing up, i have had many regrets. but none of it hits me as hard as this - "damn, i rushed through it that i didn't have time to savor it". they say opportunity only knocks once. you've gotta grab it while it's still there. true. but today is only today for today. you'll never get another 4th of september 2004. when tomorrow comes by, today will be yesterday. so take a break. look around you. savor the moment before it's finally gone forever.

i've been rather lucky till now (i know i complain a lot but hey, we humans are never satisfied right?). god has blessed me with many wonderful moments that i cherish dearly. if i was given a chance to live my life over, i probably will choose the same steps that i took in my life till now. sure it's filled with it's ups and downs, but it has shaped me to be who i am today. with my family and ly by my side and my friends to rely on in times of trouble (there's only a few but they are the best buds anyone can hope for), there's nothing more to ask for anyway.

i just wish for the intelligence to treasure those who really care for me. they are more important than any treasure money can buy. way above all the good grades you can hope for. these souls are the pillars of my life. you know who you are. thank you for everything and sorry for all the things i did to offend you.

what if?

ever had that time in your day when everything just ain't working your way? when everything seems so messed up and there is nothing you can do about it? well, i face it all the time. and later that night when i lay on bed, i'll usually have some silly thoughts of how my life would have been if i were someone else? what if i pursued my interests further? where would it lead me to? well, i have two favorite images of myself.

image one - a professional footballer

i can hear all those laughters a mile away. but hey, i'm really passionate about the game. and i like to think that i'm good in it. at least it's the only thing which i won't say NO to... i've always wondered how cool it would be to play in front of 15, 000 people (let's face it - in malaysia, that's as good as you get). to score that wining goal (or to miss that last minute penalty)... but i never had the guts to pursue that career further. i guess i'm just too afraid to find out that i'm never good in it anyway...

image two - singer

wipe that sarcastic smile of your face... i said it was just an image. and i love music. especially the ones that touches me emotionally and the ones where the lyrics practically speaks to me. i hate songs that were written just for the sake of producing a song. i've always imagined my music to touch and change the lives of others (especially teenagers)... but lets be frank, i really do not have that talent in me. and i do believe singers are born, not made. since we're in this topic, i would also love to be able to play the guitar like crazy... hahaha.. that would be nice... in the mean time, i'll just have to stick to singing in the privacy of my room....

as silly as it sounds, to have these dreams do help me go through my really bad days (on the worst days i turn to ly and my friends...) but that's all they will be - dreams... i can't afford to make an effort for my dreams to come true. i can't bear the consequences if i fail... so it remains as just another dream... what if...

feeling good...

reflecting back on the past two days, i'm in a better state right now... spent the better part of my sunday with ly and in the evening had a good game of futsal (although it leaves my body aching and my legs bruised)... and yesterday i spent the night with jason and seow (it was supposed to be our independence day but we weren't really bothered)... my three passions (ly, friends and football, in that order particularly)... hahaha... it does wonders in soothing the waves of emotions in me...

right now, i'm listening to silk road by kitaro for the fifth time. it's an amazing masterpiece. when i was younger, i have always avoided this piece. it always made me cry, i have no idea why. and now, it makes me reflect back on all of my past experiences. tonight, i just want to enjoy it's beauty. and i want to reflect back on the better parts of my past... till next time...

at war...

This is the fourth time I’m trying to write an entry and finish it. The previous four was deleted half-way through, which explains my absence for quite some time. Didn’t know why but I just didn’t like what I was writing. I’ve been in a war with myself these couple of days. Personality indifferences and emotional conflicts made my day. I wonder if it’s just me or do every hormone-charged teenager goes through the same hell? These couples of days was horrifying, nothing made sense to me.
One moment I was happy, relaxed. The next, I’m tensed and pressured. Taking into consideration that my exam is finally over, I should be at ease. Especially given the fact that I didn’t even put any sort of pressure on myself and preparation was at a minimum. So what’s wrong with me?
Probably it has got nothing to do with my studies. I assumed it’s about my studies coz that’s what they tell me. I’m feeling depressed so I find someone to talk to. It’s your studies they say. I’m feeling tensed. It’s your studies. I’m not in the mood. It’s your studies. Well, that’s how people around me care for my well being. Hahaha…
Recently I had a conversation with my lecturer. It was after a two hour lecture and I was leaving the class when he approached me. He asked me if I was having any problems. He said it’s showing on my facial expression throughout the class. He also said I dun seem to be present emotionally. I told him that I was just pressured with all the exams. The truth is I dun even know what’s wrong, what’s really bothering me. And after that, I wondered why the people I cared for never asked me that question before? If my lecturer can question me about it, why can’t my friends notice it? Makes me wonder if I really have any true friends after all?
This brings me back to a question that’s always been on my mind. Does anyone see me for who I am? I like to think of myself as a person who does what he think is right and not what everyone wants him to do. Thus i won’t be surprised if I find people who misinterpret my intentions. But what I want to know is, is there even a single person out there who truly understands me and sees me for who I am? Throughout the times, I have always fought back the urge to voice out this question. I guess I just did not have the guts to find out. Well, I better post this one before I decide to delete it… I’ll be back with more posts in a better mood…

lost

i'm kinda down these couple of days. it's weird how life throws these twists and turns which is so unexpected that it hits you right in your face. and no matter how many times you fall and thought you learnt your lesson, you WILL fall again. i'm not talking about anything specific here. just pouring my heart out. which bring rise to another conflict. i've always held true to the idea that a guy should never pour out his feelings to anyone (besides my girl, obviously). but what the heck am i doing here? the main reason i choose to start writing here is the fact that i thought it could make me feel better on really crappy days like now. but i know realize it doesn't really help. i bet you noticed (if there is actually someone following my blog) that my entries are getting further apart. i realized at first blogging was really fun when my mood is right and i KNOW someone is actually reading it. but as time flies by, i also realized that i just can't write everything down in words. sometimes i just can't explain my feelings. that is especially true when my mood sucks and i don't even know what i want anymore. what will people think of me when they read this blog? will they laugh when i'm feeling down? i guess i still DO care about my image. stupid ego.i often wonder at night, "will anyone miss me if i'm gone for good? will people remember me?". these used to be frequently in my thoughts a few years back. it hasn't really bothered me much since my high school days but lately it's creeping back. i hate it when i'm feeling so vulnerable. so low on confidence. why do i even care what people think? shouldn't i concentrate on what i want instead? i guess as humans, we are but social beings. we can't live alone, trapped in our own cocoon. i would really want to continue but it's getting a bit to weird. i'm still not used to writing my feelings down although i'm still convinced it can help me. the pressure all around is really getting to me these few days. studies, family, relationship etc. the problem i face trying to confide in someone is that i'm always afraid someone is going to ridicule me. i know my problems are mostly trivial but really, all i need is a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. i don't need any brilliant solutions. besides, i'm barely 21... these ARE the problems of a perfectly healthy teenager isn't it?these past couple of weeks, i was told that i actually look older than my age. i must admit, that took me by surprise. i always thought i had some innocent, childish look. but come to think of it, it has been some time since i spent more than 5 minutes in front of the mirror. i guess i was just being ignorant. what's going on with me? i don't give a damn on how i look. i don't give a damn on what people say about me. constantly low on confidence. yet sometimes i stay awake at night wondering what people thinking if people would remember me... how conflicting can i get?i took a step on refreshing my image last week. i finally got my hair cut. my hair was shoulder length a few days ago. but right now... ermmm... i can't really say how i look. the reason why i didn't want to get a hair cut in the first place was that it reminded me of being a little bit rebellious by going against the university rule, reignites the ambers of old. but then i realized i need to get out of this emotional pit-hole before i fall too deep. after some convincing by her, i finally decided it's time to change. once again , i never revealed this to anyone for fear of being ridiculed. well, laugh all you want but a haircut does have a bigger influence than you think. and caring about my appearance is not being vain. i just need to feel more comfortable with myself.
well, i'm feeling a bit dizzy right now. by the way, an update of what's going on in my studies. i just had a paper today - mechanics of materials. it was ok but it sucks at the same time. i don't know.. let the result speak for itself ok? and i'm going to have another paper next week - engineering materials. so i guess my next entry would take some time.
anyway... i know my blog is becoming a little bit boring but i need time to open up, you know?
cheers...

out of sync...

talk about irony...
just two entries ago (which seems like an eternity by the way...) i was talking about my perfect time management. well i guess pigs do fly once in a while. coz here i am, back to my ancient ways... my eyes are blurred, i can barely keep it open for now so this'll be another short entry.

after a pleasant start last week, things soon started moving. and it did so swiftly, i didn't have much time to breathe. i had my linear algebra mid term paper last thurs which i am hopeful of a good result although my preparation was rather haphazard. and that was the beginning of an extremely taxing week. after the exam, i traveled to penang to attend my sister's convocation and i just came back yesterday (i was trying to rush for my morning class but i couldn't make it in time).

hmm... now that i'm trying to write it down, it doesn't feel too taxing. that's weird, as i am really flat out tired right now. well, that one trip to penang is going to cost me more time trying to catch up on lost time as i couldn't get anything done on that weekend and right now, my assignments are starting to get stacked up.

anyway, let's not dwell on what's lost shall we? furthermore, that trip to penang wasn't all bad. that journey reignited my desire to drive and gave me time to ponder on what i've been going through. we left kl at about 10 pm which made the journey that much more interesting. there's something about driving at night that really gets me pumped and i realized the surreal serenity of that four hour drive was a break that i needed after all. it took my mind away from all the troubles of life in the fast lane. the convocation itself had some positive note to it. of course i'm happy for my sister but more than that, it gave our family a chance to spend some time together.

well, my mind's blank... i did mention a short entry didn't i? and reading through this entry, i realized it reflects the state of my mentality and my feelings. all mixed up and there is a total lack of any flow...disorganized as can be... i guess i just need a good rest tonight...

Unfinished Article

Who can see me for who I am?
Misunderstood, my path of life
The road is my driver, I'm stumbling along
Where will it lead me?
The silence; it could slice a rock
The darkness; its heavy burden surreal

The body is weary, its soul is lonely
The body is the cage; its soul is its prisoner
The mind and heart engaged in battle
It's a war where none will prevail
The victors of battle shall lose the war
Never at peace, yearning for freedom

The soul is in captive no more
The soul strives with the body
Mind and heart are united
As one, thrives to achieve the impossible
What is impossible? Nothing!

When will you learn?
You know it but you can't prove it
You know it but you won't do it
The efforts are in vain
The soul whither down
The body, lifeless
Mind and heart, failing without hope

Alas, there is time, there is purpose...
To prove them wrong, to stand up high
But are there strength yet left in me?
All the obstacles, all the illusions
Ought to keep the flame of desires burning
Still soft to be molded
Yet to be polished
Very much the unfinished article

ps: this is my best piece of creative writing to date...

finally...

i'm back at last... a lot has happened over the weekend and i have been kept furiously busy till i couldn't find the time to type an entry. but at last i found the time, it's my break time now and i have half an hour before my next class...

i'm in a particularly joyous mood right now which is weird considering i have an exam coming up on thursday night. but a huge dose of good news and relief is working it's wonders on me right now... hahaha... i don't even know where to begin.

ok. let's begin with my relationship. we talked through our differences the other night and we made peace with each other =) . we made a pact to tolerate each other more and the first few days (till the time of this entry...) has really been encouraging. i remembered how it used to be when we first met. don't get me wrong... it's not that the fire in our relationship has whithered but it's just that i've been a different person compared to 4 years ago. so i guess certain things do change with time huh? enough bout my relationship (i'll keep the details for a more suitable entry)... =)

next. as i have already posted, i finally did manage to get my streamyx connection. and last weekend i certainly managed to enhance my computer system at home. hahaha... that was a bonus really. i bought myself a printer (it's actually a printer, scanner and copier - all in one), a cool set of speakers which would annoy my neighbours and my dad actually got me a gamepad (i don't know if it's called a gamepad but it's the one which consists of a steering wheel and pedals...)! that's really, really cool even though i still haven't had the chance to fool around with all that yet. but it's ok and my room looks "the bomb" right now... hahaha...

and THIS is the true surprise. i for once, was able to manage my time perfectly! my lab report is done two days before it's due, my assignments are completed and it's only due by this friday and now i have extra time to go online! talk about a good week! after the terible time i had last week, this is the perfect way to start fresh... now, all i have to do for today and tomorow is to study for my exam on thursday (i hope i will be able to do well in that paper)... euphoria!

anyway, i gotta go now as my friend is asking me to help out with his assignment and my class is going to start soon anyway... till next time...

ps:

to everyone,

there is hope after all for a better tomorrow... hahaha...